Whimsicality

I want to be a wild thing
I want to climb trees
Buildings
Mountains
I want to sing like I’m happy
Breathe like I mean it
And feel again
Like my heart isn’t dead
Embrace the stars
Wonder at the ocean
Run through the dirt
Like a child
Because children do not yet know
That there is a difference
Between being alive
And making a living

Red on pavement
Spit on your shoes
Hair and sweat
Scattered on the ground
He was just a kid
Just a fool in the dirt
And as you breathe out of guilt,
He breathes no more
Like a fallen starling,
Expiring
Under a blanket of bitter cold

Every time you kissed me
Was a drop
In the rusty old bucket
Of my chest
Every time it overflowed
The bucket tipped over
Splashing water at my feet
Before I knew it,
It was up to my neck
Before I could look down,
I was already drowning

I wish
I looked pretty in dresses
Or that my words
Carried meaning enough
To not dissipate into the air
Or that the sound of my name
Could taste as sweet on your tongue
As your skin does on mine
And I wish
You loved me
As much as you loved her
And the way that she laughs
And twirls in the light
But there are no stars out tonight,
So I can only cast my wishes
Into the darkness
And leave them
To fester
And grow into loathing

They don’t tell you in school
That dreams don’t come true for everyone
That you might have to live with the guilt
Of killing someone’s son,
Someone’s daughter,
Someone’s friend
While letting your own brothers die in your arms
That the person who so cruelly
Forced themselves onto you
Can get away with it
Because you chose to wear a skirt that day
That human warmth eventually turns to ice
And that everyone you know,
Your lover,
Your teacher,
Your mother,
All end up rotting in the end
They don’t tell you
Because they don’t want to break you
Though they know that everything else
Will.

Eventually,
things break apart
the dust in our lungs escape,
and we sink into the ground

Eventually,
I will cease to know your smile,
and the taste of your name
becomes poisonous

Eventually,
the oceans dry up,
and what was once soothing
only makes us weep

Some day,
though it kills me,
there is a life to be lived,
without you.

Somehow,
I am content to be a silhouette,
A mere shadow
In the peripheral of your vision
Watching you
And the stars in your eyes
Longing for your smile
In a dark corner where I sit,
Anxious and lonely
I am in my place
As it should be

Oftentimes I will find myself detached,

A little duckling that has become utterly lost,

And I wish to leave my pile of flesh and skin and bones

Behind, to sink into the blackness as a ball of wasted energy

Waste away, seeping into the soil,

And disappearing as a snowflake does into the soil,

When the air is cold enough for snow to fall,

But not quite cold enough for it to stay

And exist, as the wind does,

As the clouds do,

Merely…..

There

That bastard,

What right does he have to hurt you?

Who gave him the right to walk hand-in-hand with another girl,

When he doesn’t even deserve to worship the ground you walk on?

How did he decide

That it was right to treat you like dirt,

And throw you out

Just for being kind?

What does that arrogant motherfucker have

That I lack?

You’ll never know how much you’re hurting,

I promise you

But,

We both know

I can end this

Just say the word,

And in a matter of moments,

He’ll be staring down the barrel of my shotgun

and my love, my only sunshine,

You’ll be free.

“Do you love me or not?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why are you always like this?!”

“I don’t know.”

Words I can’t say burn in my throat

Unable to speak,

I just look at you

Knowing that,

If I were to say anything,

You’d twist it around

And cripple me

Because the one thing I know the best,

Is that I’m not wanted,

Even by you